It was the beginning of January and I sat at my computer on a chilly Colorado morning. As the front door closed behind the last child headed off to school, I took a deep breath, ready for a new season of life. Now that I was not working out of the home, my time was my own–and oh the plans I had!. It had been years since all five days of the week were mine to fill with whatever I chose– time to work, to write, to create, to grow my business.
That day, and for weeks to come, I dove into my work, training, fighting through the frustration of technology issues, mapping out my business plan. I would spend a day or two completely absorbed in my computer, come up for air when the kids got home from school, then back to it the next day–but now spending time working on my blog, dreaming about a re-branding that I wanted to do which led me to different research as I became absorbed in the blogging world. I bounced back and forth between these two projects with a hurried frenzy–there was so much to do before summer when my focus would need to be almost entirely on the kids.
Then, as my technology knowledge around social media branding and video marketing for my business grew, I felt God gently nudge me toward another idea using this newfound information for completely different vision–creating a YouTube channel for middle school girls, to help inspire and encourage them through an ever-shifting, emotionally challenging season of their lives. Really God? Right now in the middle of everything else? But the excitement grew and learning video editing became a new project.
Oh, and what about the book I wanted to write? My monthly writer’s club continued to inspire me to pursue this dream along with all the others.
With so many ideas swirling in my head (and they were all worthy efforts!) I found feeling disconnected and a bit frazzled as the end of February approached. Which project should I pursue first? What should come off the plate? How can I do it all? What about the valiant effort of motherhood? I could feel my distraction and absorption in all these pursuits keeping me from being fully present with my family.
I prayed almost daily about all of this–wasn’t this supposed to be a grand time for independence and creativity? Freedom and growth without the shackles of a schedule? Yet, it felt confusing and burdened, as if I was walking a path that kept splitting and every fork said “go both ways!” I knew I couldn’t do it all, but was stuck in not wanting to let go of any of it.
Then, on the first night of Lent, God got my attention through a simple question. I sat around a dining room table at a lovely home in Boulder with five women in my writer’s group, pen in hand, trying to answer the writing prompt we had just been given: What Am I Afraid Of?
Complete writer’s block paralyzed me. The clock ticked. I sat, trying to go deeper than my obvious answer-spiders. Suddenly, as if all the voices and thoughts and strivings of the last two months were revealed to me in a mirror before my face, I knew my fear. Who will I be if I do nothing?
Were all these pursuits an avoidance of realizing that fear? Where was I finding my identity? Had I begun to place productivity and striving as an idol on the shelf of my life?
And as clear as those thoughts were, so was my solution. It was no coincidence that God chose this sacrificial day to get my attention. Lent needed to be the castle where I would abide apart from my distracted, pursuit filled life. I needed to unplug. I made a decision right then–I was putting everything on hold– starting in the morning.
I realized as I spoke this out loud that these women were going to hold me accountable to this–what was I saying?
What would tomorrow morning look like when that last child walked out the door…when I was used to scooping up my laptop and diving into the world of writing/blogging/video-editing/YouTubing/teambuilding/prospecting/selling?
I couldn’t even picture it, it felt as dark as our bedroom when I turned off the lights that night.
The next morning came. Would I really go through with this? Yes, I had spoken it out loud.
After handing the last bagged lunch to a child and sending them on their way, I sat on my couch, no laptop, and just thought. Now what? I looked around. I literally didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so accustomed to a full day of projects and checking boxes on my to do list. But… I could do some laundry, read a few chapters of a novel (seriously?), even watch some of the Today Show to catch up on world news.
I could pray. Sit in silence.
I would just slow down.
Gradually, over the next few mornings, I reframed my frenzy into contemplation, re-prioritizing my day in a way that would leave time for God to speak to me–or better said, for me to hear him. I prayed for clarity on my future–what would HE desire me to pursue? What would HE bless?
I did housework joyfully–as a priority, not an afterthought.
I sought clarity.
I felt guilty. Was this really a sacrifice? Having peace and free-time? I wasn’t giving up chocolate or Facebook or any of those other challenging things. Then a friend reminded me that Lent is all about making room for God, where other distractions, obsessions, desires might crowd him out. What greater sacrifice than to lay down the very things that were beginning to speak too loudly into my identity.
One morning I invited my friend to my home for coffee. She happens to be a Life Plan Facilitator, and as I shared my current journey, she suggested I schedule a time with her as a gift to me–God’s gift to me, to help me figure out my best path.
I met with my friend for 16 hours over the next couple of weeks. It was the most intense yet most valuable experience I have ever been through. We worked on small things–like my calling, gifts and talents, and my core values. We created vision statements and a framework for making every major decision going forward.
By the time I was finished, I had complete confidence and vision for my future, with God’s hand and blessing pressed all over it.
The last couple of weeks leading up to the conclusion of Lent were the most challenging for me. Many days I woke up inspired and ready to jump into the plans before me, yet, I held myself back, wanting to be obedient to the Lent sacrifice I made.
And finally Easter came and went. Once again, I hugged the kids and sent them off to school. But this time, I felt calm, purposeful. I didn’t rush into anything, because I had mapped out a timeframe for my new goals–and, even though the clock was ticking, I had a peace that God’s hand was in this and I couldn’t mess it up regardless of my pace.
And here’s what I decided.
All of the prayer and processing over the last forty days funneled into one large question: “How do I be congruent with who God has created me to be and his purposes for my life?”
Through the Life Plan process it was clear that going forward with one or more of the options initially on the table was in my DNA. It is in my created personality to step out and share how I am growing and what God is teaching me with others. The following decisions were confirmed in my heart and head:
First, Creating the YouTube Channel for my daughter, her friends, and hopefully many other girls where the message that God is with them through this shaky time, and that in these five minute videos they can find morsels of hope and strength to get them through the next hour or next day.
Second, and longer-term, blogging, speaking and writing as a package deal–all under the hope of living out God’s calling to continue to equip and encourage women in their life and walk with the Lord.
I will continue my side-business in a different format than I was pursuing before, which I am encouraged and excited about.
My soul is in a better place. I will not be striving and pursuing. I will be prayerful and peaceful. There is no “end goal” except one day at a time, letting God lead my path.
I really don’t know what I am doing with either of these projects–but that is good. It keeps me right where God wants me, in a place where I am not captain of my ship, but a worthy sailor who is fulfilling the tasks given. I am not in control of this next season, and it is in this letting go the blessing has been revealed.
What Am I Afraid Of?
Surprisingly, it is not an absence of activity, it is doing something outside of the will of my heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. I fear controlling and striving and pouring my valuable time and energy into something that I created in my own head, rather than what God has purposed me to do.
This journey has been incredible, not because of the clarity I received, or the rest I experienced. The very best part has been the re-affirmation of God’s character. He is a faithful God, who listens to our prayers, and steps into our life when invited in order to fulfill His purposes here on Earth. He did not let me flounder any longer than necessary, and when I felt broken and confused enough to hear him speak “Stop!” into my life, He responded with perfectly measured and powerful help in order to steer me back on course.