Jen
I am ashamed to say that I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t do when someone close to me lost a loved one. Since I didn’t know what to say, I did not say a thing. I just avoided it all together. I felt awkward and imposing. I was afraid that I might say the wrong thing or somehow make it worse. Once, I really hurt a friend with that response. I am learning as I grow. I wanted to share with you some things that people did for me that I really appreciated. I am sure that different people appreciate different things when they are grieving, but I think that sharing some things that encouraged me would be helpful. I am hoping that you might be able to use this information to help a friend in need to get through the hard times–I know that these things sure meant a lot to me.
These are in no particular order, just a list of amazing acts of kindness we received that we really appreciated.
1. “If there is an elephant in the room, introduce it.” When I saw someone who knew about my loss and they simply said, “Jen, I am so sorry for your loss.” That meant a LOT. You don’t even need to say anything else. If it’s appropriate, a hug added in there can be nice. It says, “I am sorry and I care about you”.
2. I got a slew of cards. Some were simple and some had loving notes. I even got a card from a friend of a friend, someone I had never met. I read each card and I cried, in a good way, feeling thankful for all the sentiments.
3. Phone calls are nice. Sometimes I would answer it and sometimes I wouldn’t. Just a simple call to say, “Hey, I am thinking about you. How are you doing?” A simple message, “Jen, you don’t have to call back, but I just wanted to say, ‘I love you’ and see how you are doing.”
4. An email or text message. It can say something simple like “I love you and I am praying for you.”
5. Food for the family. The last thing I wanted to do in the early days was to cook for my family. They had to eat and I just couldn’t do it. I remember at one point just wandering around the grocery store, knowing we needed milk and just a few basic things, but I left empty handed. A few friends brought us meals and it was really nice. A few other friends brought dinner and stayed with us to eat. We laughed and cried and they listened. It’s nice to have friends.
6. We received an edible arrangement around the time of the memorial service, it was especially nice because we had a bunch of people in from out of town and it was nice to have something to offer them. Of course, I ate it too, yummy! http://www.ediblearrangements.com/
8. We received flowers, which were like a bit of sunshine on a cloudy day.
9. I wasn’t eating much and a girl friend of mine who had recently lost her husband brought me a nectarine and some almonds. It was a perfect lunch.
10. Another friend made me a basket of things that comfort her on hard days. It was full of tea, coffee, cozy socks, chocolate, bubble bath, and some great verses she had written out. It was a big basket of love. The funny thing is she may have needed one too because I know my dad meant a lot to her.
11. My Bible Study friends made all the desserts for the memorial service. They did it with love and excellence! We were all thankful.
12. My Bible Study also knew my dad loved apples, so they planted an apple tree in my back yard in memory of him.
Is there anything anyone has done for you in a time of loss for which you were especially thankful?
I, too, have been blessed by outpourings of love when loved ones in my family died. And I never realized until my first grieving experience that I didn't really care if people found something profound to say. I just remembered that they showed up or made an effort to contact me. Some of the great ideas on this list are new to me. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Jen,
Your Mom sent me your blog spot, and I have enjoyed it very much. You did bring tears to my eyes, reading your thoughts on "Kindness of a Grieving Friend". Thank you for sharing.
Mary, From Montana
Thanks Mary. I will never forget how impressed my dad was with the beautiful dresses you made for Mailee's dolls. He had a wonderful time with you all in Montana. Hugs to you! Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!
One of my favorite things is my little gift basket that you gave me! It was full of all the "comfort" stuff…chocolate, chapstick, movies, and my favorite thing, a fuzzy yummy blanket, which I use all the time (in fact I'm wrapped up in it right now. I think about it like a hug from you all the time. Love.
That was awesome. I think your words are helpful to all of us, and very heart felt. I love you!
Love you too Hil! Thanks for being a great friend!
I stumbled across your site after receiving an email from Women of Faith. I am so glad that I did. My father passed away in the Fall of 2009, so I can relate to a lot of your posts. The best thing that happened to me was when three of my high school friends showed up and waited until I was able to come talk to them. They showed up. It meant more to me than anything else in the world. Before that, I never knew what to do or say, so I avoided it. Now, I know how much it means to "just be there". I will definitely keep your list as there are a lot of good ideas. Thanks. One thing that a cousin always does is buy paper goods. Death can be sudden and not always prepared. She goes and buys paper plates, napkins, disposable silverware. That way, when people bring the food, you do not need to worry about dishes, etc. Thanks for making a difference in my life in a few short minutes of reading a couple of your posts. Chris in Nebraska
Thanks for your comment Chris, and your great idea. Thanks for your encouragement, it means a ton!